Hard Questions and Grace.

How could a loving God allow me to go through this pain?

That question has resonated in my heart time and time again.  And can I just say that I am so ashamed of that?  Whenever that thought crosses my mind and my heart begins to wander, I feel as if I am a terrible Christian.  Who am I to question the character of God, am I right?  Because of these feelings, I used to shake my head and sweep the thought under the secret rug of my mind.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”  -1 Peter 5:6-7

            Friend, God cares for you.  He desperately wants to hear the cries of your heart.  He longs for you to take your fears, your anxieties, your questions, your heart to His throne of grace because He cares for you.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”  -Philippians 4:6-7

Oh, how beautiful is the grace, the love, of God!  Eventually, I started pulling those tough questions out from under my heart’s rug and bringing them straight to the feet of God.  And that was when I finally started receiving answers.  This was a turning point in my journey with chronic illness.

How could a loving God allow me to go through this pain?

It is so easy to think that God has forsaken me.  As I wake up each morning and go to bed each night in pain, it is so easy to think that God doesn’t care.  And then those tough questions start burying themselves in the darkness of my mind and I am forced to reveal them to the One who has the power to shed some light on my situation…  God, why have You forsaken me?  God, how can You be loving when You are allowing me to go through this?  God, are You even listening to me?  God, are You even real? 

I question whether or not God is truly loving, and I am reminded of Christ.  Knowing that there would be darkness in this world and knowing that we as humans would experience pain, God loved us so much that He sent Jesus to experience humanity.  Think about that…  Jesus Christ, the King of the world, willingly left His heavenly home, His heavenly body, His heavenly throne, and came down to this broken, messy, dark world to partake of the same life that you and I live every day.  He became human in every way.  But Jesus didn’t stop there.

Christ felt pain.  He willingly felt excruciating pain here on earth simply to win my heart.  I know you know this, as you have heard the story time and time again.  But do you really know it?  

"And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling to the ground."  -Luke 22:44

Christ’s crucifixion pain began at the garden of Gethesemane.  Jesus underwent incredible emotional stress as He pondered the death He was about to face.  Here, His veins and skin became so tender from anguish that they broke, mixing His blood with His sweat.  Jesus’ body had become utterly defenseless to the cruelty He would suffer just hours later.  After His arrest, Jesus was scourged.  A whip with small balls of lead tied to the ends of each thong was brought down fiercely again and again across Jesus’ back.  With each consecutive blow, the wounds in His back grew deeper, producing rivers of blood.  Those who mocked Him then crowned Him with thorns as the blood slowly dripped down His face.  At this point, the hike to Calvary began, and Jesus was forced to carry His own cross as He stumbled from weakness, blood loss, and excruciating pain.  Once Jesus made it to Calvary, He was thrown onto a wooden cross while iron spikes were nailed through His hands and His feet.  When the cross was lifted, the full weight of Jesus’ body was dependent on those nails and each breath became a battle.  After hours of hanging on that cross, Jesus cried out, “’Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?’”  (You see, Jesus asked those hard questions too).  Finally, Jesus breathed His last and our sins were forgiven.

Christ felt pain.  And I can’t help but think that He went through this pain so that He could understand the pain I feel each and every day.  Maybe Christ endured physical pain so that He could relate to my physical pain.  So that in my weakness, He could step forward and be my Strength.

I question whether or not God is loving, and I am reminded that the greatest Love of all came to this broken world, was beaten and scourged, nailed to a cross, and literally forsaken by God the Father simply to relate to my pain.  Simply to win my heart. 

What greater love is there than this?