Being Okay With Not Being Okay.

Fifteen girls were piled onto two plump couches and spread across the floor, tummies full with a delicious homemade dinner, hearts bursting with friendship and fellowship.  As the room grew quiet with the gentle ticking of the clock, one brave girl spoke up, voice breaking as she wove together a tale of heartbreak and depression.  When her story came to the unfinished present, the girl beside her squeezed her hand and whispered, “You know, sometimes you’ve just got to learn how to be okay with not being okay.”

            Three years later, my life spiraled out-of-control in a whirlwind of loneliness, heartbreak, stress, and chronic illness.  I was not okay, but I clung to the quiet words shared in a dimmed basement.

            It’s okay not to be okay.

            But is it?

            The words look good.  They sound truthful.  But in reality, there is nothing good or truthful about it.

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly” (John 10:10, NKJV).

            When life happens, it is so easy to allow ourselves to be okay with not being okay.  Because yes, there are times when there is nothing else we can bring ourselves to do but fall to our knees and cry.  There is a season for everything, including pain (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).  But here’s the thing:: when we allow ourselves to be okay with not being okay, we allow the devil – the “thief” who comes “to steal, and to kill, and to destroy” – to have a grasp on our lives.  When we are okay with not being okay, we open the door for the thief to enter into our lives, and we hand him our hope, our joy, our lives for him to steal, kill, and destroy.  When we are okay with not being okay, we step outside of God’s will for our lives.

            In the second part of John 10:10, Jesus promises, “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”  In other words, on that cold, dark night, when God looked at His beloved Jesus and whispered, “Son, You have to leave heaven tonight… It’s time,” He was not only thinking of Jesus’ life and death, but He was thinking of you.  He was thinking of this very moment, when your heart is breaking and the tears are streaming down your face.  He knew that Satan would be lurking in the darkest corners of your mind, seething, filling your soul with lies.  When God told Jesus that it was time for Him to be born human, He thought of you, being okay with not being okay, and He chose to give you more… so much more!  Our God looked to this very moment, looked at your very heart, and smiled as He sent His holy, perfect, beautiful Son to die an innocent death on a sinner’s cross – the cross that you and I deserved – because He knew that Jesus’ death would give you the opportunity to be filled with life.  And not just life… but abundant life! 

            But there’s a catch to receiving this abundant life…  You have to choose it.  Whenever you face trials, heartbreak, disappointment, and pain, you have two choices:: You can choose to be okay with not being okay, or you can choose joy.

            In 2016, when I first became ill, I chose the first option.  Each morning, when I woke up and the pain was still there, I chose to be okay with not being okay.  As each doctor’s appointment came and went with more questions than answers, I handed my joy, my hope, and my strength to the thief to come and kill.  And I was miserable.  I had bought into the lie that it is okay for me not to be okay… I believed that it was okay for me not to be okay… And I suffered the consequences.  I was depressed, disappointed, and began to have doubts about God’s character.  When I became okay with not being okay, I handed my life to Satan, and allowed him to do whatever he wanted with it.  I allowed him to steal, kill, and destroy my joy, my hope, my life.  It was a death spiral.

            But oh, how gracious is our God!  He was right there the whole time, standing with arms open wide, waiting for me to come Home.  I decided that I was done with not being okay.  Enough was enough.  I realized that I could have so much more!  I chose Jesus; I chose life.  I began reading and studying the Word of God every day.  I started praying, like, really praying…having those real and deep conversations with God, which was a learning experience all by itself (and a blog post for another day).  I realized joy is not something that comes naturally to anyone, but rather, we each must choose joy every single moment of every day until it becomes a habit.  I chose life, y’all, and God gave it abundantly!

            The other day I received a text from someone, “You don’t have to pretend you’re okay.”  And in a way, she’s right.  There are going to be days when I am not okay.  There are going to be nights when the tears win out as the pain becomes very real and so overwhelming.  There are going to be moments when my heart aches as disappointment suffocates me.  But that’s just life.  “In the world you will have tribulation,” Christ foretold in John 16.  He didn’t say, “you might have trouble.”  He said, “you will have trouble.”  It is a guarantee, because He knew that there was one out there, lurking in the corners of this world, more than willing to steal, kill, and destroy every last drop of life in our souls.  “But be of good cheer,” Jesus, full of hope and promise, proclaims, “I have overcome the world!”

            There is a difference between being okay with not being okay and being completely broken but simultaneously full of joy.  One comes from the thief; the other from the Giver of Life.  Friend, you have a choice to make.  You can choose to be okay with not being okay, and as a result, hand your life over to the thief who comes to steal, kill, and destroy it.  Or, you can choose life, and I promise you that our faithful Lord and Savior will provide it more abundantly than you could have ever imagined!  The choice is yours, friend.  Choose well.