This is My Story, This is My Song.

14 January 2016

            Dear Diary,

I was reading Genesis today, and upon reading the account of creation, I was struck by something I had never noticed before –

The world started in darkness.

The whole story of the Bible – the story of us – begins with darkness.  “The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. . .” (Gen. 1:2).  But then in verse three, God creates the light which penetrates the darkness.

            I wonder if God did that on purpose?  I mean, God’s God, so He could have easily started the story with light, right?  But He didn’t.  I wonder if God intentionally did this to show us that darkness never wins.  “And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it” (John 1:5).  And that even in the darkness of this messy and broken life, He is with us.  “And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters” (Gen. 1:2).

Three days after I wrote this in my journal, I woke up in severe pain.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t walk.  I couldn’t even dress myself.  What should have been my normal, exciting life as a college freshman became an anything-but-normal life with a mysterious illness.

This has been my story for the past two years, and it has been a roller coaster ride. One day, I’d be able to walk, and the next, I’d wake up and be in a wheelchair. One day, I’d be able to dress myself, and the next, I’d be curled up on the couch sobbing because I was in so much pain. I was living in the unknown, my world full of darkness, and it was terrifying. I was not okay physically or emotionally, and definitely not spiritually. And for a long time after I got sick, I was okay with not being okay. That was basically my motto, “It’s okay not to be okay.” But then, I ran across this verse: “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly” (John 10:10). That verse hit me hard. Because I had not been living life, much less living it “more abundantly"!

When life happens, it is so easy to allow ourselves to be okay with not being okay. Because yes, there are times when there is nothing else we can bring ourselves to do but fall to our knees and cry. And yes, there is a season for that. But here’s the thing: when we allow ourselves to be okay with not being okay, we allow the devil – the “thief” who comes to steal, kill, and destroy – to have a grasp on our lives. When we are okay with not being okay, we open the door for the thief to enter into our lives, and we hand him our hope, our joy, our lives on a silver platter for the thief to enjoy. When we are okay with not being okay, we step outside of God’s will for our lives. And that is exactly what I was doing.

In the second part of John 10:10, Jesus promises, “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”  When I read those words, it hit me that on that cold, dark night, when God looked at His beloved son Jesus and whispered, “Son, You have to leave heaven tonight...it’s time,” He was not only thinking of Jesus’ life and death, but He was thinking of me. He was thinking of that very moment, when I was at my lowest point, questioning God’s love and sovereignty and goodness. He knew Satan would be lurking in the darkest corners of my mind, seething, filling my soul with lies. I realized that when God told Jesus that it was time for Him to be born human, He thought of me, being okay with not being okay, and He chose to give me so much more by sending His holy, perfect, beautiful Son to die an innocent death on a sinner’s cross – the cross that you and I deserved – so that you and I would have the opportunity to be filled with abundant life!

But, as I learned, there’s a catch to this abundant life… You have to choose it. Whenever you face trials, heartbreak, disappointment, pain, illness, you have two choices: You can choose to be okay with not being okay, or you can choose joy.

When I first became ill, I chose the first option. Each morning, when I woke up and the pain was still there, I chose to be okay with not being okay. As each doctor’s appointment came and went with more questions than answers, I handed my joy, my hope, and my strength to the thief to come and kill. And I was miserable. I had bought into the lie that it is okay for me not to be okay. I was depressed, disappointed, and began to have doubts about God’s character. Satan didn’t even have to go through the trouble of stealing my joy because I didn’t put up a fight! I simply gave it to him.

But oh, how gracious is our God! When I finally decided that I was done with not being okay, He was right there waiting for me. Enough was enough. I realized that I could have so much more! I chose Jesus; I chose life. I began reading and studying the Word of God every day, which I had never done before. I started praying, like, really praying, which was a learning experience all by itself. I realized joy is not something that comes naturally to anyone, but rather, we each must choose joy every single moment of every day until it becomes a habit. I chose life, y’all, and God gave it abundantly!

Sure, there were days, and there are still going to be days when I am not okay. But there is a difference between being okay with not being okay and being completely broken but simultaneously full of joy. “In the world you will have tribulation,” Christ foretold in John 16. He didn’t say, “you might have trouble.” He said, “you will have trouble.” It is a guarantee, because He knew that there was one out there, lurking in the corners of this world, more than willing to steal, kill, and destroy every last drop of life in our souls. “But be of good cheer,” Jesus proclaims, “I have overcome the world!”

And that is my favorite part of this story, the overcoming. The healing. 

Job 42:5 says talking about God, “I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You.” And it is that healing, that Now-My-Eyes-See-You-Lord kind of healing, that makes me so excited. In my deepest, darkest place, God has revealed His glory to me, and has given me a deeper understanding of who He is. Through the ashes, there is beauty to be found as I learn more about Jesus than I ever would have learned any other way. And receiving that spiritual healing has brought me more joy than any physical healing ever could. 

"You will show me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore"

(Psalm 16:11).