You need a boyfriend.
Those were the words that I heard.
You need a boyfriend.
Why do I need a boyfriend? Why do I not have a boyfriend? Is something wrong with me since I don’t have a boyfriend? Why? Why? Why?
These questions flew through my mind all at once, tumbling over one another, vying for my attention, and ultimately, poking holes in my confidence.
The Boyfriend Question. This is one of the tools that Satan uses over and over and over again in my life. It’s one of the areas that I have allowed him to have complete control – not because I want to, but because I have struggled to completely hand it over to God.
It feels like everyone around me has a boyfriend, even though I know that it is not true. But it feels that way.
I have asked God hundreds of times why. Why do I not have a boyfriend? Why did you allow me to fall for so-and-so when you knew that nothing would come of it? Why has no one expressed an interest in me? Why do I feel so alone? Why won’t you allow me to love and be loved? Why did you allow my heart to break yet again?
I have spent countless car rides home crying out to God. Questioning His will. Literally screaming at the sky, “Why God? Why?” And countless times I have hear God whisper somewhere deep in my soul, “Be Still, My Child. Be Still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). Time and time again I have heard this same, quiet response. And time and time again, I refuse to listen.
But then…the whispered promise changed.
Once again, my heart was broken by someone who was never mine to claim. Once again, I cried out to God and asked him why? But this time, instead of waiting for that whisper, I opened my Bible.
Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It does not dishonor others,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ~
The first line jumped out at me again.
Love is patient.
Love – true love – is patient.
It is patient in all things. At all times. No matter what the circumstances.
If I want love – if I want a love that is true – then I must be patient. Not only that, but if I love God, then I must be patient with his timing, his plan. Before I can love another, I must first learn to love God, and accept him as the Lover of my Soul. I must learn to accept that there is a time and a place when God will introduce me to the one with whom I can call mine, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…until death do us part.
And that time is not now.
Just writing that statement makes my heart hurt. I want love so badly. But first, I have to learn to be content with Love Himself.
I will be the first to admit that I am still learning. I am learning to love. I am learning to love patiently. It will not happen over night – I know that. Tomorrow, I will still yearn for a boyfriend. And next week, I will probably cry out to God again. I am still a work in progress, but I am God’s work in progress. I am the clay. He is the potter. My heart is his mission, and day after day he fights to win it. That is all He’s ever wanted. That is all He asks.
I have to learn to surrender.